Archive - July 2006
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If you could travel back in time, but make only one trip, what would you go back and do?
Sciencegeek00, Taylor, MI
Laura: Not that I’m in the habit of thwarting people’s
dreams and ambitions but I’d like to attend the meeting that sold the Hilton
hotel patriarch on the hospitality business. Armed with a picture of his
granddaughter Paris and a blow by blow (and I do mean blow in every sense of
the word) of both her social and sexual exploits (I’d skip One Night in
Paris, though. No one needs to see that again) I would BEG him – ON MY
KNEES IF I HAD TO – to reconsider and while he was at it, think twice about
reproducing too. I would do that for the good of all mankind. If my powers
were to magically get extended somehow, I’d head over to the shit shows that
are the Lohan and Spears households and drop off a couple tons of Trojans.
Nobody needs your spawn, people.
Jamie: That’s a tough one. I
should say something noble like kill Hitler before he comes to power or call
the police to warn them about Sept. 11th, but I think we all know I would do
something totally selfish like go back and kill Ben Affleck and Brad Pitt so
I never ever have to hear the words BENNIFER and BRANGELINA again.
Bryan:
I’d go back to the early 80s and be the first to invent the snap bracelet.
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What would Jesus really do?
phil_o_sophy, Cedar City, UT
Laura: Mary Magdalene.
Jamie: He’d get the Wendy’s Big Bacon
Classic WITHOUT the cheese.
Bryan: I think he would have a threesome.. and its not like he can’t because lets face it, hes Jesus. What girl is gonna turn down a chance at Jesus?
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My butt itches. What should I do?
nutty56, Ford City, PA
Laura: I try to stay away from all matters butt-related but your
heart-wrenching dilemma warmed me to my core. I feel for you nutty56, I
really do. You have presented your predicament in such a way that I cannot
sit by and remain silent any longer. THE EPIDEMIC OF ITCHY BUTTS MUST BE
ADDRESSED, AMERICA! We must all band together to find a solution for
nutty56. Rally Congress, take a chemistry class so you can create the next
Gold Bond Medicated Powder, call Ryan Seacrest – do ANYTHING so that our
itchy compatriot avoids the daunting task of just scratching the damn thing.
Jamie: My first impulse was to say
scratch it, but I think we should get to the root of what caused this itch
in the first place. Get a bar of soap and an STDs test. Call me with the
results. TO BE CONTINUED…
Bryan:
Stop shaving it, or shave it again before you get stubbles. And by the way,
shaving your ass makes you gay. Just an FYI.
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Why can’t penguins fly?
Timmy, Sandusky, OH
Laura: For the same reason Nicole Richie can’t ingest more than
37 calories a day.
Jamie: Well Timmy, God created all
beings in the Garden of Eden and put them on Earth for man. When God purged
the Earth with the great flood, Noah took two of each animal on his ark to
save. Never in this history do we hear about penguins. That is because
penguins are evil beings that were created in Hell. For their sins, they are
cursed to waddle the Earth as birds who can not fly. And as opposed to the
extreme heat and fire of hell, they must spend eternity in arctic chill. It
is a fact that penguins actually despise the cold. They also despise man, so
I’d be careful the next time you visit the penguin pen at the zoo. Whatever
you do, don’t look them directly in the eyes.
Bryan: Who cares about penguins flying, why can’t I fly?
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Why does orange juice taste so bad if you drink it right after brushing your teeth?
perlywhite45, Orlando, FL
Laura: I don’t know, my little Disney World dweller. I didn’t
realize that living in such close proximity to the Happiest Place on Earth
also means that one’s daily routine is turned upside down. You see, in
places where men dressed as giant stuffed animals do not roam the streets
freely and where parades that rival San Francisco’s Gay Pride week do not
take place twice a day, we drink our OJ before we brush our teeth. You live
in a Mickey Mouse world, indeed my friend.
Jamie: It’s a little-known fact, but
Colgate Toothpaste and Tropicana Orange Juice were both part of a parent
company owned by the Bakerson family in the early 1900s. Mr. Bakerson died
in 1924 and in his will bequeathed his orange juice business to his oldest
son William; and his toothpaste business to his youngest son Thomas. Shortly
after the funeral, the two boys had a falling out and began a family war
which raged for over a decade. During that time, Thomas, then the owner of
Colgate Toothpaste decided to add a harmless ingredient to the toothpaste
recipe. No one exactly knows what the ingredient was; but what we do know
for sure is that when mixed with orange juice, it creates a rather
unpleasant taste. Thomas figured everyone would immediately get up and brush
their teeth so it would be the orange juice business that would suffer
because of the foul taste caused by the combination. Shortly after, the
recipe for Colgate Toothpaste was smuggled out of the factory and sold for a
high price to the other toothpaste conglomerates in an attempt to be
competitive with the Colgate superpower. Four months following the theft of
the recipe, Thomas had an unfortunate accident with a pet buffalo which
resulted in his death. No one knew for sure which ingredient actually caused
the orange juice reaction so they were unable to single it out from the
toothpaste recipe. William studied his brother’s tainted toothpaste for the
next 27 years but died having never found the ingredient that reacts to his
orange juice. It seems the Bakerson feud is destined to rage between orange
juice and toothpaste for the rest of eternity.
Bryan:
The bad taste is due to the acid in the orange juice Most people don’t know
that you can counter this taste by adding milk, which is a base, into the
orange juice. Try it and let me know how it works for you.
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My mom says that girls aren’t supposed to enjoy sex and that’s why it hurts when they lose their virginity. Is this true, or is she just trying to scare me so I won’t do it?
christianyouthTN, Lynchburg, TN
Laura: It’s not. She’s trying to save
your poon. Freak her out by telling her she’s absolutely right and now, in
order to avoid repeating the excruciating experience once again, you’re
strictly an anal girl.
Jamie: Listen up, Carrie, before
you go to your prom and kill the entire senior class. Stop beefing sex up to
be this huge scary thing that it isn’t. Go rent a porno and see how much
those girls enjoy sex. They even thank God repeatedly for giving them the
ability to enjoy it. Just listen, they’ll call his name over and over again.
Bryan: She is right, girls don’t enjoy
sex… Just ask my wife. My advice is to start thinking up excuses why you
don’t want to have sex so you have a nice library to use when you get
married. My personal favorites are “Im too tired” and “You repulse me, get
out of here. Why did I marry you?”.
