Archive - March 2006
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I didn’t have a Valentine this year so I asked a girl I’m friends with to go to dinner. Now she is calling me every day like she is my girlfriend. I don’t want a relationship with her. What should I do?
pamalaisbetterthanpalmala, Seattle, WA
LAURA: First off, Romeo, you
should have done what every other single person does on
Valentine’s Day: sit at home with a bottle of vodka and jack
off. But that’s irrelevant now, so let’s see what we can do to
correct this, shall we?
So you got a friend to fall for you, eh? Boo friggin hoo. Some
of us can’t even manage to get our friends to like us even
secretly, so you’re getting no pity from me but I’m likely just
projecting; which is very different from projectile, by the way.
VERY different. Anyway, you’re probably gonna have to bite the
bullet and ask her what’s up, then let her down gently. She
probably only likes your sorry ass now because she thinks you
like her because you bought her dinner on a Tuesday night
(which, in all honesty is a little out of the ordinary for a
friend. I once fell in love with a guy friend because he helped
me carry boxes to my car.) My point? Never underestimate how
desperate and deranged and delusional your friends may be
(though they can appear quite normal on the outside). Next
Valentine’s Day before getting some girl’s hopes up, call me.
I’ll bring the vodka.
JAMIE: Tell her you want to
take a dump on her chest and it would really turn you on. I
guarantee she'll never call you again. But I will. Hells
yeeeeaaaa.
BRYAN: Did you bang her yet?
If not you should. You paid for dinner for her on a night when
most restaurants jack up their prices so you deserve at least
some head. After you get some just tell her your biggest fantasy
is to do her and her sister at the same time. If she doesn’t
have a sister switch it up to be her brother. If she doesn’t
have a brother, bang her again because you don’t have to worry
about some over protective brother coming and kicking your ass
then follow Jamie’s advice.
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I just found out my best friend slept with my boyfriend. She has been my friend since we were kids. How do I approach her about this without ruining the best friendship I ever had?
friendsandlovers, Nashville, TN
LAURA: Um,
if she shagged your BF she ain’t your friend. I say let her go
out with him then get him to sleep with you as revenge. It can
be sweet.
JAMIE: I would approach her
from behind late at night so she's less likely to see you coming
and then monkey stomp her triflin' ass into the ground! But if
stealth isn't your forte, go the more conspicuous route. Invite
her, and your boyfriend as well, on Jerry Springer where you can
say you have a "secret" you want to tell them. They might get a
little suspicious when you go out on stage and you and your best
friend are positioned in chairs on complete opposite ends of the
stage with your boyfriend sitting in the middle. But good, let
them both sweat a little. When it's time to tell your "secret",
pull your shoes off and go running straight at the bitch and
claw her scheming eyes out! That'll teach her to keep her hands
off your shit! But if you are really hell-bent on keeping the
both of them in your life, then just sleep with both of them. I
mean, that's the real reason you're pissed off anyway, right?
She banged your boyfriend and didn't even invite you - that
selfish bitch!
BRYAN: Hook me up with your
best friend. After I sleep with her I will then sleep with you.
That will get both your best friend and your boyfriend back. Its
revenge that you need.
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Does Laura really live in Canada? I didn’t think people really lived there?
Daniel, Waco, TX
LAURA: Like
Lollipop Land, the Land of Oz and South Dakota, many people
wonder if Canada is real. It is. A quick history note: you tried
to invade us during the War of 1812 and we kicked your Yankee
asses.
Canada is a country, not a series of igloos and moose. It
consists of people. These are called Canadians, not Eskimos or
NHL players. We are a peace-loving people, not out of any
altruism on our part but mostly because we have ridiculously
strong weed here. Weed that could make even the Dutch sit up and
take notice. OK maybe not sit up – that would take a lot of
effort. But it would at least make them toss a Cheeto across the
room in tacit approval.
Oh, and the drinking age is 18.
JAMIE: Laura was visiting
Canada on a hunting expedition with her family when she was only
4 years old and something went terribly awry. No one is quite
sure exactly what happened, but most of the family wound up
freezing to death and those that survived the cold were eaten by
wolves. But little Laura somehow prevailed and was taken in by a
group of Yetis where she grew up as one of them and learned
their Yeti ways. About ten years ago, the first settlers arrived
in Canada and began colonizing the land, pushing Laura and her
tribe of Yetis deeper into the snowy wasteland. As the settlers
drove further and further into the Canadian wilderness, the wide
open expanse once open to Laura and her furry friends to gallop
and prance free became smaller and more restricted. Eventually,
the Yetis were discovered and hunted to the brink of extinction.
They were turned into slaves where they were forced to man
souvenir booths at Niagara Falls and give happy endings at the
massage parlors. But once again, little Laura somehow escaped
unscathed. They say that late at night in the deep of the
Canadian wood if you are very quiet you can faintly hear her
grief-stricken Yeti cries howling on the wind. yoooowwwwwwwwww...
BRYAN: I have first hand
knowledge that people do live in Canada. They are bred for the
sole purpose of playing hockey. The rejects learn curling.
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I like to wear thongs. My mother tells me that only hookers wear them. Is that true?
trampintraining, Staten Island, NY
LAURA: There
are lots of things that mothers attribute to those so-called
Ladies of the Night. Thongs are one of them. BJs are usually
another. To avoid further confrontations with Mom on the
subject, stop bringing your dirty laundry over there for her to
wash, start rolling your quarters and go to a damn Laundromat.
JAMIE: Your mom also refers
to boobs as "dirty pillows", doesn't she? Well if you're gonna
go pointing fingers about who wears thongs, don't forget about
strippers and p0rnstars! And really fat girls with low-rise
pants. And European men on the beach. And from what I gather
about your family, probably your dad, too. Oh yeaaaa, your dad.
BRYAN: I need to see a
picture of you in said thongs to make an accurate determination.
Please email that picture to me right away.
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My girlfriend has been pressuring me to pop the question. She keeps telling me how all her friends are married or engaged and thinks its time for us. I am not sure I am ready. What should I do?
bachelor4eva, Boston, MA
LAURA: Tell
her that all of her friends are materialistic gold-diggers and
their boyfriends are only marrying them because they have too
much invested in the relationship financially.
JAMIE: Laura's got the right
idea about that gold-digging ho. But, if I were you I would turn
the tables on her. Start acting REALLY excited about getting
married. Start talking about the wedding and the electric-blue
tux you really want and about babies and how you can't wait to
have 12 children and your wife will play homemaker and cook and
clean for you all. And when the kids are old enough you want to
start a music group like the Partridge Family or the Jackson 5,
or Hanson. And then when she is just about freaked to the max
plop a big fat 'ole prenup in front of her with some really
ridiculous terms like she has to have sex with you at least five
times a week and you are entitled to three strip-teases in a
chicken costume per month; and if she divorces you she doesn't
get a penny; and if she cheats on you she doesn't get a penny;
and every time you sneeze she has to say, "God Bless You" or she
doesn't get a penny and well you get the idea. She'll be so
disgusted with the thought of marrying you she should just drop
the whole thing. Of course, she might also dump you, but we'll
cross that bridge when you come to it.
BRYAN: Go away for a weekend
with a group of married couples and let her see all the fighting
that goes on. If that doesn’t change her mind about marriage
bring her to my house for a weekend, that’ll do it.
