Archive - January 2006
- My girlfriend wont have sex with me, what should I do?
-sexlessinseattle, Seattle, WA
Laura: Inflate Her
Jamie: For the last time
- I'm not your girlfriend, we never met, and no I still
won't have sex with you.
Bryan: Ah, girl
problems... my specialty. I have more girl problems than
Jennie McCarthy so I think I can help. The problem is not
you, its her - she cant stand you. When a woman says no to
sex it doesn't really mean no, it means yes just not with
you. Look in the classifieds section of your newspaper for
masseuses that has the phrase "full service" listed. For an
extra fee you'll get a happy ending. Its the closest thing
to female contact you will probably ever get.
- Why is it some people's second toe grows longer than
their big toe? Isn't that the reason for calling it the
big toe - cause its supposed to be the biggest?
-igot2feet, Walla Walla, WA
Laura: They say
that people whose second toe is longer than their big
toe are actually smarter. To those people I say, ”Go
ahead and tell yourself whatever you need to make
yourself feel better about being born with a
freakish-looking hoof of a toe poking out unnaturally
from your foot.” Freak.
Jamie: It’s the same
reason why some people are born with a tail. It’s part
of our evolutionary history. Everyone knows that humans
evolved from apes and apes used to have huge raptor-like
claws on their feet. This is just 65 million years of
evolution that isn’t quite done-with. You see a long
second toe, I see a de-evolved weapon of death. Tomato,
tomaahhto…
Bryan: I once had a
friend (and by friend I mean a kid I went to school with
who we used as a target for our random acts of violence)
who was fat. Ok, he passed fat 3 exits ago. He was
morbidly obese. He should have appeared on a Montel
Williams show for Christ sake. Anyways, we nicknamed him
slim. The same thing applies here. We call the big toe
the big toe to give it an inferiority complex... sorta
like how your friends nicknamed you handsome.
- Is Bigfoot real?
-believer4life, Kansas City, MO
Laura: No,
but he’s registered on Match.com. And FYI ladies,
he’s sooooo not.
Jamie: Does the
Pope shit in the woods?
Bryan: Have you
ever heard the saying big feet big dick? Bigfoot is
known for having enormous feet. Why would a guy with
a potential schlong the size of a mini van hide from
camera men? You don't see Ron Jeremy taking cover do
you? I say if he exists, he would be making crazy
money bangin' Jenna Jameson, Terra Patrick and
Jessica James all in one motion.
- I can't Stand my mother-in-law. Every time
she comes around she starts on a tirade of all
the things I'm doing wrong. How can I get her to
leave me alone. Or die?
-homicideisOK, Hester, OK
Laura: I
got someone to die once. It’s fascinating what
Czech-smuggled absinthe mixed with some Percocet
tablets can do to a person. If trips to the
Czech Republic are not on the horizon for you in
the near or distant future, might I suggest
playing nothing but National Public Radio at
full volume the next time your mother in law
comes over. Or learn to swear in another
language. It’s amazingly relieving to be passive
aggressive in French or Swahili.
Jamie: Love
is blind, but it ain’t deaf. If every time you
hear her shrill voice you get the urge to do
something that will earn you 25 to life as
somebody’s bitch, get out before it’s too late.
Five years ago I woulda said just kill the
bitch, but I watch CSI enough to know you can’t
get away with that shit anymore. But I believe
the answer has been right in front of you this
whole time. Get divorced. Problem solved.
Bryan: I
think you are missing the big picture here
homicideisOK. The issue at hand isn't how to get
her to leave you alone, it is your lack of
control of the situation. You are the king of
your domain and as such you don't answer to
anybody. Start off by insisting that when your
mother-in-law comes to town she is to sleep in
the garage. Its not heated you say? Too bad!
Promise her an extra blanket if she mows the
lawn for you. Now you march right home and set
things right with your wife. Let her know who is
boss. While you are at it, demand some sex as
I'm sure its been over a month since the last
time she let you touch her.
