Archive - December 2005
- I'm trying to quit smoking, any ideas?
-coldturkey, Hamden, CT
Laura: Don't quit.
Keep smoking until your teeth are brown, your breath smells
like seventeen year old gym socks and you’re impotent. It’s
hot. It’s even hotter if you’re a girl. You know why?
Because smoking is cool man, real cool. Nothing says cool
like a blinding addiction to tar and nicotine and willfully
donating $20 a week towards your own demise. Honestly, I
would go back to cutting yourself. It accomplishes said
death and it’s free.
Jamie: Most smokers get
over the habit by substituting the motion of smoking and
having an object in your mouth for cigarettes. My father
quit by using toothpicks, a friend of mine used lollipops,
and even a nicotine inhaler is useful. I, however, recommend
penis. Friends, neighbors, co-workers – really any dick you
see lying around will do to start off with. If you have an
event to go to where you think finding an available dick
would be difficult it may be a good idea to stash a dildo in
your purse or jacket. And for you guys who really find
yourself in a jam you could even try sucking your own dick
in an emergency. Yea, you could try the lollipops or the
inhaler, but nothing will really remind you of how
disgusting a habit smoking is as sucking on a big fat one.
Bryan: For every time
you have an urge for a cigarette have a friend kick you in
the nuts. Before you know it you will associate cigarettes
with kicks in the nuts. I still cringe when I go to pick my
nose!
- Why can't I wear white pants after labor day?
-whiteisthenewblack, San Francisco, CA
Laura: Because as
we all know, white is a most unflattering color (see
wedding, Star Jones for further illustrations of the
fugliness of white on the full female figure, or on the
flamboyantly gay husband too for that matter). Given
this, white should not be worn after Labor Day in an
effort to shield one’s ass from being mistaken for the
abominable snowman. That’s the only reason. White is the
same color as snow and no one wants to look like snow.
Jamie: Because Jesus
doesn’t wear white pants after Labor Day. And we don’t
want to make Jesus look bad, now do we?
Bryan: Technically
you can wear white pants all year round. You will look
like a complete ass, but I'm guessing you wear Velcro
sneakers and shirts you think are funny like "I'm with
stupid" and "It's not a bald spot its a solar panel for
a sex machine" (which if that's the case it looks like
you must have most of your life in the dark) so really
what's the difference? Being noticed for wearing white
pants after labor day would probably be a step up from
the norm for you.
- I hear blondes have more fun. Is this true?
brunettechick, Brownsville, NY
Laura: Only
until the guy notices that you didn’t buy the
curtains and the rug at the same store. After that,
say goodbye to fun.
Jamie: The old
adage that “blondes have more fun” is actually a
common misconception. There is a chemical reaction
that occurs when the bleach is mixed with peroxide
and applied to the scalp which absorbs through the
skin causing the neurons to stop firing. This
produces a manufactured state of euphoria within the
subject that is commonly perceived as “having more
fun” but is actually a partial death of the brain.
Over time and with more frequent usage, the subject
seems to “have even more fun” but actually manages
to kill more of the brain. This will not directly
result in the death of the subject but symptoms as a
result of the condition have been known to prove
fatal – the most common of which: forgetting to
breathe.
Bryan: I was
sitting in the doctor's office waiting to be called
when the only other person in the waiting room (a
blonde of course) started talking to me. For some
unknown reason she felt the need to tell me that
blondes do, in fact, have more fun. I gazed around
the office with a puzzled look on my face to see
what I was missing. We were the only two people in
the office, how could it be that she was having more
fun? I guess the fact that she could find all the
mistakes in "What's wrong with this picture?"
section of Highlights book for kids really
entertained her.
