Ask-A-Tart - Current Questions

Current Ask-A-Tart Questions

I often wondered if there are people that actually look forward for death.
Hunter, Reedsville, PA

Jamie: When I saw the movie “From Justin To Kelly” I admit I prayed for death.

Laura: I paid money to watch “From Justin to Kelly” in the theater. Does that mean I have a death wish?

Bryan: Anyone who is married

I was doing a tart reading of a question I wanted, and it said, “The answer is negative, time and patience will be necessary to fulfill your goals”. The question I asked was if me & this guy I like will work things out & be together again. So I want to know what will happen with me & him by that answer?
Christina, Toronto, Canada

Laura: That seems pretty contradictory now doesn’t it? So you’re not getting back together with your stud but if you wait long enough you will? If you want this guy, you go for it NOW. Ride your bike right over to the Blockbuster where he works and where you know he’s hooking up with the day shift manager (and she can be a day shift manager because she’s all in COLLEGE and has like, one class a day, moron. Who studies Leisure anyway? Let’s give you a degree in the study of doing nothing. What does that make you, a professional lazy person? Happy career at Blockbuster bitch! I hope you have a nice life of FREE RENTALS with your degree in lazy fat ass.) OK. Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Never gonna happen. You’ll just get arrested for holding up a Blockbuster. Move on.

Jamie: Negative in the military means “no”. So that’s a big “no”. A big, fat, steaming pile of no-way-in-hell-will-this-ever-work-out. However, the second part of the answer states time and patience is necessary. I can say from personal experience that stalking someone does take a lot of time and patience – especially when waiting underneath their bed or hiding in their back seat. A LOT.

Bryan: My mother always told me you can’t make someone love you.. all you can do is stalk them and hope they give in out of fear.

I can’t stop banging girls.
Jemal (no location given)

Laura: I’m with Jamie on this one. How about you try having sex with them instead?

Jamie: What are you using, a hammer? I think I speak for all of womankind when I say, “Owwwwww.”

Bryan: I see their cans of mace have been ineffective on you

If you hate yourself and you masturbate, would that be considered sleeping with the enemy?
lovedestroyslove, anonymous UPS warehouse

Laura: There are paradoxes and paradigms in this statement that would take a Nietzsche scholar to decode and years of therapy to undo. That said, dude, look at it this way, if you are sleeping with the enemy that would make you a spy, infiltrating the mind and bed of your adversary in an effort to benefit all of mankind! You’d be like James Bond! And who hates James Bond? Not I – and not you. Plus James Bond gets laid A LOT, so you wouldn’t have to masturbate as much.

Jamie: Only if once you’re done you slap yourself across the face and order yourself to clean the bathroom naked on your hands and knees.

Bryan: I think a more appropriate question would be if you are a guy and you masturbate does that make you gay because it’s a guy’s hand. Think about that one lovedestroyslove.

I noticed there was a question about "What would Jesus REALLY do?" so my question is, what would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?
Tony, Cincinnati, OH

Laura: Nothing. You’d probably give him yours since, really, how cool would it be to see Jesus standing in front of you all tripped out and jonesing for a Klondike bar?

Jamie: Oh, Tony… so naļve. What WOULDN’T Jesus do for a Klondike bar? Psh.

Bryan: He won’t degrade himself like that again. Last time he clucked like a chicken for some M&Ms and when he got them the just kept falling through the palms of his hands.

Why does my left shoe often smell way worse than my right shoe?
Cody, Ft Liquor-dale, FL

Laura: It is a medical fact that one foot is always bigger than the other (and even though I’m not an actual doctor, I have seen every episode of Grey’s Anatomy, even the ones where she’s not screwing Mc Dreamy, so I believe that qualifies me to speak on all things medical). Now, getting back to your little pickle here, since it’s clear in this situation that your left foot is bigger than your right, said Bigfoot will logically emit a stronger odor than its smaller, right counterpart, making your left shoe smellier than your right one. That said, go change your socks and get a new pair of shoes, stinky.

Jamie: Remember that night you got really wasted and threw up at your cousin’s bar mitzvah? Yea, well, that wasn’t the toilet you went in. Maybe it’s time to hit up an AA meeting, sport. And buy some new shoes with your liquor money.

Bryan: Did you forget to change the odor eater in your left shoe last month?

What does the Easter Bunny have to do with Easter?
Bunnylover54, Montpellier, Vermont

Laura: Back in the old days, primal man used to hunt bunnies, dip them in chocolate and eat them at Easter time as a gift to Jesus. They did so because the Bible clearly states that Jesus never had the joy of tasting sweet bunny goodness in his lifetime and as a tribute, man shall honor Jesus’ never-tasted favorite meal. Over the years, man abandoned the hunting part in favor of the chocolate part, giving birth to one of Christianity’s most sacred tradition: the chocolate Easter bunny.

Jamie: Nothing anymore.

Bryan: Grill the above mentioned bunny and the answer is dinner.

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